A Woman’s Perspective

You all know that guy, the one that seems to get the girls and you just cannot understand why. You look at him and he’s nothing really to write home about. He’s not Quasimodo but he’s also not gorgeous either. His hair is cut nice, and his nails trimmed, but he is not buff or ripped. His face is fairly symmetrical, but not awe-inspiring. If you had to describe his looks in one word it would be – average. You might even feel you are more attractive than he is.

You look at his clothes and how he dresses is nice. It’s obvious he takes care of how he looks, but there’s nothing expensive he’s wearing. It’s normal clothing. No real flash, nothing signalling wealth. You might even have some of the same items in your own closet.

Really puzzled, you have taken a peek at his groin, because if it’s not his looks or his cash, maybe he is packing something special. But it doesn’t really look like he’s got an anaconda growing down his leg so you know he’s not packing 10 to 12 inches. So he’s probably fairly average there too.

So what is it that is drawing women to him? Why are women flirting with him? Why does he always seem to have the girl? In one word – confidence.

“A feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.” (Merriam-Websters Dictionary)

“Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing” (Dictionary.com)

When women talk honestly about attraction, one of the most attractive traits in a man, after physical appearance, is confidence. I will be one of the first to admit, I have been attracted to a man and not understand why, because at first glance there wasn’t anything to write home about. But something was there, something that caught my attention – and the more time I spent with the person, the more obvious the reasoning became, especially when I started talking to other women about him. “It’s the way he moves” one might say. Another, “the way he makes eye contact.” “Nope, it’s how he holds himself”, a third might argue, “when he is talking about something.”

Women love men who have a strong sense of who they are.

So let’s talk about what traits a confident man displays.

Confidence is silent

There’s a time and a place to toot your own horn or to brag about your accomplishments. (It’s probably during a job interview, or when you are trying to get into an advanced degree program, or any situation where you need to stress why you are the one for the task.) When you’re in a social setting bragging is not confidence. Being a braggart tells women you are all flash and no substance – whether that is what you intended or not. That doesn’t mean don’t share and be open about yourself. It means stop monopolizing the conversation to say how great you are. Show, don’t tell.

Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud.

There’s a time and a place to show how incredibly smart you are on a topic. (If you’re giving a college lecture, that’s probably the time. If you are being interviewed for a news or magazine article, definitely the time.) But not in a social setting. Being a know-it-all is not confidence. It’s smug, and arrogant, and very off-putting. Allow others to put their own information about the topic out-there, and avoid the temptation to correct them constantly, because you are after all, the expert.

Confidence is sexy, cockiness is not.

You do not have to be an alphahole to be confident. In fact, the two really cannot co-exist. Alphaholes are all about loudly telling. Confidence is silently showing.

A confident man can sit in silence, listening, and be fully engaged in the conversation. He doesn’t need to be heard every moment. In fact, because he talks so rarely, when he does talk – he tends to capture attention. The best way I have ever heard it explained is, “He speaks so rarely that when he does, I know he has something important to say and I should listen.”

Confidence is knowing your self-worth

This may seem to run counter to the above, but self-worth is about more than just your knowledge and how you can contribute it to the rest of the social group. Self-worth is also about knowing you are worthy of self-care. Confident men have good hygiene. They care about their appearance. They tend to eat healthier and exercise in some way. They push themselves to be better than they currently are.

Believe you are worth the effort!

Even more, confidence is about knowing what you don’t know and being open to learning about it. Braggarts and know-it-alls don’t continue to educate themselves – they are already at their ‘peak’. Confidence pushes you to know more, to seek out more understanding, because you are worth putting the time in to. Ask questions, seek out knowledge.

And while we are on the topic of self-worth, confident men can be generous but they are not people-pleasers. They tend to like the things they like and are not ashamed of it. Confident men give of themselves, but they are not taken advantage of. They will help others, but not be doormats. There is a difference between loving someone and wanting to do nice things for them, and being used as their servant. There is a difference between being a team-player at work, and being your boss’ personal b*tch. They are not ‘yes men’ even if they are a part of a team.

Confidence is generosity and empathy

It would be all too easy to say a confident man is stingy or selfish with his time and money, since after all – he knows his own worth, but the opposite is actually true. A confident man can actually be incredibly generous – they are often the best lovers because they are not all about just what they are getting from an experience. They know that sharing something enhances it. They also tend to listen more (because they are saying less), and pick up on non-verbal cues as well as process information. They can be very understanding and can often help find real solutions, because they are not afraid to act and think a little outside the box.

Confidence is trusting yourself and your instincts

Because a confidence man knows his self-worth, and is willing to learn new things, he also tends to trust himself. He will follow gut reactions, not blindly and not hastily, but he will allow his instincts to lead even if he cannot put into words why something feels the way it does. They do not tend to act emotionally, they use logic and critical thinking. But they also understand that a lot of that is subconscious. By trusting themselves, they build up confidence and are able to act on their instincts.

Confidence is action and perseverance

Action is a high road to self-confidence and self-esteem. – Bruce Lee

Confident men have ideas and visions, they believe in things, and they take action. Even if it seems like a risk. Some fail, but they keep acting. And they learn from the failure or their mistakes. They treat it like the learning experience that it is, and don’t let it become soul-crushing.

They think positively and know they can achieve, even if they experience failure along the way. They push through problems, find work-arounds, and simply keep going. When they truly want something, they do not quit.

They also have hobbies and passions, and don’t wait around for others to lead them somewhere all of the time. If you are always the one sitting at home waiting to be invited out somewhere – stop it. Invite others out, or go out yourself. Act.

Confidence is in your posture and facial expressions

Let’s go back to our original guy and look at how he stands, how he holds himself. There are hundreds of tiny micro expressions of your body that are picked up on instinctively. They are subtle little tells of an emotional state that you can’t really control. Confidence has its own set of micro-expressions, has its own way of shifting your posture.

Insecurity is loud – and it isn’t always verbal. Think about that time someone said something, but their tone and body language screamed the opposite. Most of the communicating we do is not verbal, it is with our bodies. Stop slouching and slumping. Don’t curl in on yourself, or cross your arms in a defensive position. Don’t look at your feet when you walk, or avoid eye contact when you talk to someone. Instead:

• Open up your posture
• Hands in your pockets, not defensively crossed
• Lengthen your stride
• Shoulders back
• Feet spread and planted firmly
• Sit back, spread out
• Close one leg resting the ankle over the other knee
• Head up
• Make eye contact

Own your body.

Final Thoughts

Some men are simply born confident. They were confident as a child, as a teenager, and now as an adult. A lot of men are not. If you are asking yourself, ‘Am I Confident?’ You already know the answer is no.

How do you gain that? Understand that silence is good – it allows you to watch and to listen. Watch confident men. Watch interactions between confident men. Realize that confidence can come from being competent in things, as well as from feelings and choices you make. And understand that not all confidence looks the same.

Each and every person has something to be confident about. Even if it seems small and insignificant, we all have something. Build yourself up … ignore the inner voice (that does sometimes scream loudly) that is tearing you down. Know you have worth, know you have value, and let that knowledge flow from your mind into your body and spirit.  Build your self-confidence a piece at a time.

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If you haven’t read it already, you might find “Between The Covers” an interesting read. It is all about the subtle things men can learn from romance novels about what women are craving.

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What are your thoughts?  Questions? Comment below.