Reclaim Your Masculinity
Let’s get real a moment. Unless you’re one of the very few lucky men, you grew up without a true male role model. Not to say your father wasn’t a good man, or that Michael Jordan wasn’t an inspiration to you, but can you say they were really there for you? Doubtful, because you’re reading this. It can be said there is a mountain of information that a young boy needs from his father, and other male role models that they are not getting. But that’s not quite true – it’s a mountain range of knowledge.
For the last few generations the role of the male in society has been reduced, and the ability for men to be men, and to pass on that ability to the next generation crippled. For more than 50 years men have been turned into machines, cogs in the wheel, to produce and produce and produce. And we did it to ourselves. At the same time, women have crawled out of the shadows and slowly taken over aspects of society that were traditionally male. Not to say that’s a bad thing, but it is a thing.
The result of this is a large group of women who have garnered power by suppressing men, and who want more. The suppression of maleness has become an epidemic. And we, with no model to follow, have been led by the carrot dangling before us.
First, we acknowledge that, yes, there is a war on men. And they are not looking to take prisoners. Now, once we’ve acknowledged it, we move on. Yes, we can be bitter, these people in power now use straw man arguments and straight up lies to deprive you of a true upbringing, and yes, they have led you into a life so disconnected from yourself that you may have even agreed with them, and never made the connection that you were asking for your own shackles, to be made even more miserable. We acknowledge it, and we move on. It is what it is, and we can either bang our hands on the bars we put before us, or, we can move on and make our own lives a priority for once. We can be men.
Oh, don’t think this applies to you? You’re a good guy, all that male bashing suppression doesn’t apply to you, right? You’re the exception, right? Are you really? Does this sound like you? Are you:
- Happiest when you are making others happy (especially women).
- Avoiding conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone to keep your world smooth and not rock the boat.
- Concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men.
- A giver, believing that your generosity is a sign of how good you are and will make other people love and appreciate you.
- A fixer and caretaker. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, do you frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).
- Seeking approval from others, calculating at some level to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval – especially with women.
- Hiding your perceived flaws and mistakes, afraid that others will get mad at you, shame you, or leave you if your mistakes or shortcoming are exposed.
- Seeking the “right” way to do things, believing that if you can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.
- Repressing your feelings, analyzing rather than feeling. Maybe even seeing feelings as a waste of time and energy, frequently trying to keep your feelings on an even keel.
- Trying to be different from your father. Trying to be 180 degrees from your unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic father.
- More comfortable relating to women than to men due to your childhood conditioning, having few if any male friends (not talking about Bob in accounting you sometimes joke with at work). Do you frequently seek the approval of women and convince yourself that you are different from other men, believing you are not selfish, angry, or abusive — you know, traits of “other men”.
- Find it difficult to make your own needs a priority, often feeling to do so is selfish, believing it is a virtue to put others’ needs ahead of your own.
- Make your partner your emotional center, only happy if your partner is happy, focusing tremendous energy on your intimate relationships.
- Holding the belief that if they are good, giving, and caring, then you will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.
These are the traits of a male that never really grew up, whom never became a man and came out from under the shadow of mom or other female dominate figure in your life. And there’s a name for this condition – wimp.
It’s time to grow up and come out from under mom’s apron. It’s time to be a man. It’s become commonplace to call these traits “toxic masculinity”, but there’s nothing masculine about them. Because these are not the traits of a man, they are the traits of a liar, cheat, and abuser.
But all those traits are good traits to have, right? How could you call these people liars and abusers?
These are the cowering, disturbing traits of a wimp and a cuckold to his own life. Why are these traits so bad? What makes them liars and abusers?
- They’re secretive – so driven seeking approval, you hide anything that you believe might upset anyone.
- They’re dishonest – hiding your mistakes, avoiding conflict, saying what you think people want to hear, and repressing your feelings. It’s dishonest, it’s lying.
- They’re manipulative – unable to make your own needs a priority, unable to ask for what you need clearly and directly, you resort to manipulation to get your needs met. Because, you live with a sense of powerlessness. Otherwise, you’d just do it yourself.
- They’re disembodied – being adept at resolving contradictory pieces of information about yourself by separating them into individual compartments in your mind. If they never interact, they can’t call you out on your hypocrisy. You can manipulate, cheat (because what you did wasn’t really cheating was it), and lie to everyone (most importantly to yourself), because you have everything separated and tucked away. You’ve divided yourself into parts.
- They’re deceptive – giving to get, being a generous giver, always comes with unspoken and other unconscious strings attached. You want to be appreciated, some kind of reciprocation, want someone to stop being angry at you. The reason doesn’t really matter. And you’ll feel frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
- They’re passive-aggressive – unable to express your own frustration and resentment directly, suppressing those “bad feelings”, you express them in very indirect, even harmful, ways – including being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when you promised to never do them again.
- They’re addictive – you get lost in addictive behavior to relieve stress, alter your moods, or medicate the pain – keeping everything bottled up inside that it has to come out somewhere, in dark and secret ways. And the number one addictive behavior you indulge in is sexual compulsiveness.
- They’re full of rage – even though you deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Guys like this have serious issues. They find it hard, if not impossible, setting and maintaining boundaries. They find it hard to say “no” and “stop”. They’re helpless victims in their own lives – and all those other people are the cause of their pain. They’re isolated, with a desire to be loved and exhibiting behaviors that make it difficult for people to really get close to them. Which is part of the intention, because someone who gets really close might see the web of lies and rage so carefully hidden away.
I know, you listened to all those others who want to suppress your maleness and you did everything you could to be a nice, safe guy. But, you’re not. You’re what we call a wimp.
You did what you were told to do, as best as you could, with no one to guide you. And you became, on paper, the guy all those women say they want. You’re nice, caring, you appear attentive, you take care of her needs, you even pick up the bill (even if passive-aggressively). It’s what you’ve been told women want, and if you want to be loved, cared for, and get your needs met, you need to please them, right?
Because, they don’t want you. Hard to hear, I know, but true. And they even tell you, repeatedly. They don’t want a wimp. If they did, you’d have women wanting to do you lined up around the block. Instead they comment about how all the good men are either married or gay – WHILE YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT THERE. They date the “jerks”, and all those guys that are so very much not like you. And when that relationship falls apart, you’re there for them, and still they don’t look at you, do they?
But, really, all the signs are there that they don’t really want a wimp. Chick flick RomComs rarely have the wimp who gets the girl. The guy that winds up with her often exhibits some traits we’re told are not desirable. But, they are often manly men, or at least close enough. The largest growing type of romance novel is “alpha male” (which is really to say, what it’s kind of always been – we’ve seen the book covers). The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy sold over 125 million copies. It’s actually more likely the women you know have read that series than the entire Harry Potter series. That’s not a joke, and it really should be.
Why this is really isn’t important right now. It is, and we acknowledge it. Why doesn’t change you, or bring you to understand yourself. It only serves to understand others, which is often good to know, but right now would just make you even angrier than you already tell yourself you’re not. That’s for another time. Right now, it’s time for you to work on you.
What you will find here is content and articles to help you on your journey to finding who you really are, and being the man you were meant to be. The true, authentic you. The deep work most men need is done in groups, workshops, and retreats. The content found here is to help along the way.
Reclaimed Masculinity focuses on the 8 Pillars of Manhood, the key areas that a male needs to be a man:
Effective Communication (& networking)
These are the aspects of life that you’ve only had a passing notion of. These are the areas of life that you should have been guided through by a man when you were still a boy. Your father may know them, or he may not. It’s been generations since men raised men. We raise businesses now.
What you will not find here is machismo – false manliness. Machismo is the facade of a man wrapped around a boy, regardless of his age. It isn’t real, and it’s not healthy. We don’t wear beards here to look more manly. We don’t focus on outdated styles and clothes, and we don’t have mustaches from the 1950’s. You are welcome to those things if you like, but having them won’t make you a man. And we do not cover such topics as fashion, “success”, or “career”. Fashion comes and goes, style lasts. Men come in all types, with many different jobs. We do not assume, as many websites and magazines do, that all men work in an office. Articles on how to run a good business meeting won’t help a firefighter in his job, and learning how to do a fireman carry isn’t going to advance the career of a CPA. There are other sources for those things, we pay them little attention here. We care about you, and making you the best we can.
If you’re ready to begin your journey to being the man you are meant to be, we’re here to walk beside you. Welcome brother.